Charlotte, Meet Santa!

What a weekend it was! Four whole days off to spend with Charlotte, it was amazing! It was very very hard to say goodbye to her on Monday.  I am sad I only have one day off for Christmas.  LAME!

Charlotte and I have so many fun things to look forward to in the month of December in preparation for her first Christmas.  I cant wait! Tonight Charlotte watched the Grinch for the first time, she loved it! I imagine it will be come one of our traditions, watching the Grinch together in our pajamas.  That was something I always did as a kid, so I am glad to be starting Charlotte off with our own traditions. 

 

This past weekend Charlotte got to meet Santa! We went to the festival of trees and she had so much fun.  She loved to look at all the bright lights and of course she loved hanging with her new cousin Holden, auntie Jenna and her GG! Although, I think her favorite part was our lunch at Panera.  Charlotte really enjoyed ripping up the menu.  That is one of her new things,  moving and ripping papers.  No more regular books for her, just board books for now haha!

 

She did well on Santa's lap.  She didn't cry or scream or pee on Santa.  In fact she was so comfortable, she pulled his beard.  I actually thought Santa was going to cry.  He screamed that it hurt hahaha.  Everyone has their Santa pictures, so I can't wait to show her hers when she is older and tell her all about her adventures as a baby. 

 

Everyday with her just keeps getting better.  Sometimes are extremely hard and I have no idea how I am even functioning on no sleep and such big life changes,  but mostly I just smile and realize how blessed I am with this amazing little ball of love. 

Nice to meet you Santa:

 

Not Impressed: 

 

Thumbsucker: 

 

Lotte and  Mommy: 

Noisy Girl!

Charlotte is growing and growing! Today we got into the Christmas spirit.  We finished putting up the Christmas decorations and went down to see Santa's arrival in Arbutus.  We walked around the train garden and watched The Grinch on the outside movie screen.  She had fun strolling around in her B.O.B.  Santa came in on the fire truck as usual! It was too cold today to wait outside for her to sit on his lap, so I am going to take her back there soon to get her picture with Santa.  I hope it goes well, or at least gives me an embarrassing picture to show her in the future!

She is such a smart little girl.  She learns new sounds all the time.  It is amazing and annoying.  She is rarely ever quiet, especially when we are home.  Usually when she is out and about or around someone she isn't as comfortable with she is more quiet, but at home she lets loose! I call her my little beat box! She loves to make fart noises with her mouth.  Lately she has learned this really high pitch squeal.  I have no idea where she learned it, but it is insanely annoying.  Annoying AND cute, because she is SO happy and proud of herself when she does it!

Because it is so cute, it makes it much less annoying, and when she learns to make a new sound it is actually pretty amazing.  I think she is going to have the gift of gab!

Also, if anyone is still reading, I'd like to thank everyone out there in blog land.  I get messages on minimum a weekly basis, but usually more.  Everyone who reads my blog says such nice things to me, and you all have no idea how much they mean.  Some days it is very lonely just me and Charlotte, and some days I doubt my ability as a mom and even doubt my ability as a human to function (esp. after all my recent injuries lol).  But Charlotte keeps me going.  You guys also keep me going.  It really means a lot to me when I get messages about how cute Charlotte is or what a good job I am doing, or how loved both me and Charlotte are.  Your thoughts, prayers, and kind words are nourishment for my soul.  When my nights are dark, I remember the support and love Lotte and I have and it keeps me going.  I know it seems small, but the nice words and the time people have taken to text me, comment, send me an email of fb message really keep me going and are a big deal to me, they help me stay grounded and I believe help me to be a better mom.  It takes a village right?

Charlotte's first Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving has come and gone! It ended too quickly for me, but was so happy that Charlotte had a good Thanksgiving. 

 

We had dinner at my house as usual and I think the turkey I made this year was my best yet! I love foodnetwork.com, they always make it easy for me to do everything.  I really enjoy hosting and cooking.  Being a good hostess is something I have always prided myself on. 

 

This Thanksgiving was the first in eight years where I did not have Adam.  It was hard because last Thanksgiving we announced our pregnancy and I thought this year would be our first as a family unit.  Obvi, that did not happen as planned.  But luckily it was still great and Charlotte got to enjoy time with both sides of her family.  It was different, but it was a happy day for my little one, and in the end that is all that matters. 

 

Thanksgiving at my house was even extra special this year because we had the privlege of having to amazing babies there! Charlotte's cousin Holden is amazing! It is so funny because I can barely remember those days.  How quickly I forgot what it was like to hold a brand new baby.  They are so soft and sweet and have that amazing new baby smell (don't judge my weirdness!) It was also exciting because it was their first family holiday.  It was crazy as usual, but they are going to have so much fun growing up together!

The babes (doesn't Holden look like a cute little old man?!)

 

After Thanksgiving I even got to go black Friday shopping at the outlets which was nice, all of my Christmas shopping is pretty much done! Lotte and I enjoyed our day together.  Lots of cuddling and we started putting up the Christmas decorations.  She loves to look at the tree, it's all shiny and sparkly, her favorite things haha. 

 

Tomorrow the holiday fun continues! Lotte is going to meet Santa for the first time! I am taking her to local Christmas festival thing to see Santa arrive in town.  And on Sunday She gets to go to the festival of trees with her cousin and GG.  Charlotte loves getting out and about, and I am thankful that I am able to take her to these things. She deserves the most amazing life and I try to do something fun with her every day, so that every day is special and fun. 

 

I hate that stupid saying "YOLO", but it is true. You really do only live once, so it is important to make the most of it and make every day special.  I know I say it all the time, but I really will treasure this time I have with Charlotte.  It is so much fun to watch her grow up and learn new things.  This Thanksgiving I had so much to be thankful for.  I have a roof over my head, a stable job, food in my stomach, family and friends who love me and the most amazing child in the world, many people are not as lucky as I am and my life is pretty fucking sweet. 

 



I'm going to make this place your home

Some days you are just feeling a certain type of way.  Today was one of those days.  The good news? Lotte has been so so so happy today! I love hearing her laugh! She is the most amazing baby in all of the land. 

Her current favorite song is by Phillip Phillips.  She loves that song "home".  I sing it to her all the time.  I'm glad she is liking it because she used to like "call me maybe" and I got sick of singing that.  I also really love the lyrics in "home". 

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

I am always singing it to her and promising her I will make this place her home, but tonight I realized she makes this place my home.  She is home to me.  She quiets the demons inside of me.  She is what makes me a better person.  Every night I pray that I am being the best mom I can to her.  I don't want her to miss out on anything or go without, I am hopeful that I am making her proud.  She is so amazing.  She just laughs and laughs and laughs.  It is hard to EVER be in a bad mood around her.  She is just too fun to be around! I am very much looking forward to Thanksgiving adventures this weekend!

Holden is here!

My nephew and Charlotte's cousin, Holden has arrived! Jenna endured over thirty six hours of labor, but he is here, safe and sound and perfect.  Jenna and Holden are doing great!  Charlotte even got to visit her cousin already. 

Seeing Holden at the hospital with Jenna brought back so many memories.  I can't believe it was twenty two weeks ago that I was in there with my little peanut.  I have already started packing up some of the clothes that are now too small or her.  It is heartbreaking and amazing wonderful at the same time. 

I know that I will never get this time back with her and that's why it is so hard.  I want to treasure every baby cuddle and snuggle.  I still can not believe how big she is getting! She is already over twelve pounds! Seeing Jenna and Andrew with Holden brought back so many memories.  It is really funny how much life has changed. 

This is never how I pictured things, being on my own with Lotte and being her primary caretaker, but the love I have for her is more then I ever imagined.  It's so weird.  Every day that passes I love her more and more and get so excited to see what new thing she will do or what new sound she will learn.  She is amazing.  Although sometimes it is pretty sucky being on my own, life is more amazing then I imagined.  I am not ready for her to grow up, and every single time I do her laundry I shed a tear or two because I know she will never be this small again, but I am looking forward to watching her grow up and shaping her into the amazing woman I know she will be.  I will treasure these moments and baby snuggles for the rest of my life. 

I am also excited that she has a cousin so close in age.  I know that they will be great friends and allies.  They will have an understanding of this crazy family that a legit family can know.  They will be together for birthdays and holidays and family vacations.  It is such a blessing that she will have someone she can grow up with. 

It's still November.  This week I am thankful for the safe arrival of Holden, being able to go out with my amazing friends (although I missed Lotte immensely, it was great to get out of the house for a few hours with a great support network of people who know the real me and still love me), still thankful for GG, she made my favorite dinner this week and always helps with Lotte when I need it, she even let me take a nap in her bed while she watched Lotte pants, a flexible job that allows me to take Lotte to baby boosters on Tuesdays (always fun to have quality time with her) and leave when I need to take care of business, hot chocolate, Costco chicken bakes and of course every minute I get to spend with the amazing Lotte!

She did it!!! Holden is Here!! 

 

 

Proud GG! 

 

They Meet: 

                                            Just Hanging with Aunt Jenna and Holden

                                                      Playin with Uncle Jason:

 

Holden is almost here!

Jenna is in the hospital giving birth right now! Charlotte is so excited to meet her cousin Holden, and I can't wait to meet my new nephew!! I am so thankful that Lotte will have a cousin to grow up with, itll make this crazy family more fun! I am hoping to leave work a little early tomorrow to get to Jenna's house and do some cleaning and drop off some food I cooked and bought for her.  That was the hardest part about Lotte getting the house clean and food cooked right when I got home.  We are really really really excited!! The best part is that Holden will be here in time for Thanksgiving so now I don't have to take their matching Thanksgiving outfits back to Kohls haha!

Charlotte talking to Holden in Jenna's tummy:

Here she is sitting on Holden:

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Overwhelmed and Exhausted.

Well, I haven't been able to post as often as I would like to these days, but I'm working on it.  Currently I am overwhelmed and exhausted.  That kind o sums up how I am feeling every nine out of ten days. 

Some days I am overwhelmed and exhausted in a good way.  Some days not so much.  Today I am feeling a little down, even though Lotte and I had a great weekend.  Sometimes I just don't have everything together.  I try very hard to be an exceptional mom and make sure everything goes well and perfect for Lotte, and sometimes I forget something and things don't go as planned and I beat myself up about it.

My new goal is to move on from that.  To remind myself everyday that she has a roof overhead, food in her tummy, clothes on her back and is usually a very happy baby, so she and I are more lucky then most people. 

I am lucky that people always offer to help.  I have to learn to let them help.  The problem is I don't really know what I need help with.  The things I want help with are superficial things, not Lotte help for the most part.  For instance I want someone to take my trash out, better yet, take my cans to the curb for me.  I also would like help in the middle of the night or the mornings.

For the most part I have come to terms with being on my own, but at three am when your baby is screaming in your face, it is very lonely.  That's when I need help.  It would be nice to have someone there to pat my back and tell me I'm doing a good job, or at least someone to wake up and lose sleep so I don't feel like the only one up every two hours every night.  I know it's selfish, but I would feel better knowing I wasn't suffering alone hahaha. 

Mornings are also hard and that's another time I'd like help.  I have no freaking clue how people do it everyday! Anytime I see a working mother I want to high five her and tell her she is fucking awesome.  It is really hard to get a baby dressed and ready, get yourself dressed and ready, babies bag packed and bottles made, breast pump organized and ice packs ready to go, work stuff ready, lunch packed and get to daycare and then work on time.  It sounds so easy - put clothes on, grab some things, get into the care and go- , and it makes no sense to me why it is so difficult.  And now that it is winter, it's even harder.  I swear I am always losing a sock, or a mitten or a hat, and why the heck are baby coats so hard to put on? One poop emergency and being on time is out of the question!

I think what I need to work on is self care.  I am either working or doing everything for Lotte.  Even when Adam or my mom has the baby, I am at home cleaning the house, or doing laundry, or sorting out the clothes that don't fit her, making her baby food, writing notes for work, grocery shopping, running errands. It is sort of out of control. 

The problem I find is that I really don't have anything to do when shes not here with me other then catch up on those things I've been to busy to do.  And even though it is nice to get those things done without hassle, I miss her. My goal is to work on doing fun things when she isn't here.  This weekend is going to be a great start.  Adam is going to watch her Friday so I can go dancing for my bestie Pamela's birthday! It should be really fun!  So my goal is to start doing more fun things for myself (I feel like this will be the hardest challenge yet, but I'm going to work on it)

My other goal is to do something fun every weekend with Lotte.  This weekend we went to the inner harbor, it was Lotte's first time! I love walking around the inner harbor.  It is always so much fun.  Pushing Lotte around was great, and I was happy to get out and about and enjoy the nice weather before it disappears again.  On Sunday Lotte and I went out again on another walk to enjoy the weather. It was so nice this weekend.  I freaking hate winter.  As soon as Christmas is over, I think it should be summer again.  February is my least favorite month. 

 

 

My little cutie always makes me smile! I love looking at her pictures! I think the main reason I am feeling overwhelmed and exhausted is lack of sleep. 

 

Lotte's sleeping is getting worse and worse! Every two hours she is awake and eating and fussing.  By the time I get her back to sleep I only get about an hour or so of sleep.  I have no idea how to fix this.  The doctor doesn't seem as worried as me, but then again he is sleeping peacefully at his house lol!

 

I just got the book by the "sleep lady".  I am hoping to read it ASAP.  I am also hoping it helps.  I like that it doesn't use the cry it out method.  For some reason I have a really hard time just letting my child scream and scream and scream without helping her in anyway shape or form.  It is also written by an LCSW-C, so I trust her. 

 

If this book works, I am going to write the most amazing review ever.  I would do almost anything, and I mean anything for some sleep.  Five hours in a row would be ideal, so cross your fingers everyone! I will keep you posted!

 

 

I should also apologize for the long complainy post about my life.  Overall my life is pretty great, and I am wayyyy more lucky then most.  I should end by working on a gratitude list.  I keep seeing everyone on Facebook posting what they are thankful for everyday and I should join that spirit, it is November after all!

Thinks Im thankful for today:

1. Lotte...duh.

2. Finding Lotte & Holden (who will be here ANY DAY) adorable matching Thanksgiving outfits in their sizes!

3. Sunday Secrets and new Dexter, which are little indulgences I have on Sundays that I really enjoy

4. Amazing weather for amazing walking with Lotte

5. My mom, for always helping with everything, esp when it is Lotte related

6. Being one of the few Americans that doesn't have to constantly stress about money, between me, Adam and her GG, Lotte will clearly never ever want for anything, and that I am incredibly grateful for. 

7. My yummy dinner

 

More gratitude lists every time I post!

Rock the Vote!

Had a great weekend with Lotte! Had quite the scare on Monday though.  Monday at about 3:00 am Lotte was fussing and ready to be fed, in the process she bumped her head on the side of her bed.  It sounded horrible, so of course I turn on the light and scream and get ice.  She had a red mark that went away and she ate and was happy so after a few hours I let her go back to sleep. 

On Monday at work daycare called saying that she was fussy all day long and not being herself.  I left work asap and scooped her up and took her to the doctors with my mom.  The doctor said she was fine.  According to reports provided by her doctor, babies bump their heads all the time.  In fact in the doctors office she was playing with her rattle and attempted to put it in her mouth, missed and smacked her self in the face causing a red mark haha!

Luckily she is totally fine.  Apparently a tooth is just about to break through which is the likely cause for the fussiness, it was just a weird coincidence.  The good news is that she is healthy and fine and weighing in at a whopping 11lbs 12oz! My little girl is growing up so big and strong. 

Today Lotte started to make a new noise with her mouth, it is hilarious! It is so amazing to me that everyday she does something different. She is just so smart! She is also quite the mover and shaker and can scoot herself halfway across the room on her back...she still hates being on her tummy, she is probably going to go straight to walking haha